


I Don't Believe in Love

by lost_in_dark_places



Series: The Asset, his Mission [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Gen, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2015-05-12
Packaged: 2018-03-30 06:36:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3926521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_in_dark_places/pseuds/lost_in_dark_places
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>J.A.R.V.I.S. is the Avenger's Tower Unofficial DJ.  He's pretty good at it, and makes awesome intuitive playlists. But he isn't perfect, and sometimes he picks the wrong song.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Believe in Love

**Author's Note:**

> So here's the Song fic no one wanted.
> 
> All credit do to Queensryche. "I Don't Believe In Love" is from the [Operation: Mindcrime](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation:_Mindcrime) album, which is awesome if very 80's.

While Steve was away, Bucky had a lot of time on his hands.

Sure, he was still journaling and shit for the Shrinks. Sure, he kinda fell into being the Avengers’ Unofficial Cook. But that left whole chunks of his day open, and a lot of nervous energy from the fact that Steve was _gone_ , and getting up to _god knows what._

So he started haunting the gym. But the gym was to quiet: with just the metered sound of impact. . . it took him uncomfortable places.

So he had J.A.R.V.I.S. start piping him music.

Bucky’s not sure exactly what criteria J.A.R.V.I.S. uses, but he apparently queues music realtime, based on his principle’s reaction to past songs. This led to a truly unexpected music set for Bucky, based off of Bucky’s reaction to Stark’s queue that first time they were down in the shop.

Most of the songs were perfect. Cathartic. Nine Inch Nails has become a favorite.

The problem is some of the things J.A.R.V.I.S. chose skated a little too close to home.

* * *

_I awoke on impact_

_Under surveillance from the camera eye_

_Searching high and low_

After the helicarrier, after he dragged Stevie outta the fucking river.

_The criminal mind found at the scene of the crime_

_Handcuffed and blind_

_(I didn't do it)_

He hadn’t fucking done it, but he wasn’t always sure that the whole fucking thing hadn’t been a dream. Which parts were real. (If anything was real) If Steve survived after all. (why he even cared)

_She said she loved me_

_I guess I never knew_

_But do we ever, ever really know?_

“You’re my friend,” he’d said, but what the fuck was that supposed to even mean?

_She said she'd meet me on the other side_

_But I knew right then, I'd never find her_

What’s “the End of the Line”, and why does it cut through his mind like a hot fucking poker, stronger than any (wipe him) imperative he’d ever known? (And what does it fucking matter when that man is probably dead, definitely gone. . . .Why does he care?)

_I don't believe in love_

_I never have, I never will_

_I don't believe in love_

_It's never worth the pain that you feel_

The Asset has no need of a “friend”. The Asset needs a fucking mission, purpose, order, and he has none of that anymore. Thanks a-fucking-lot.

_No more nightmares, I've seen them all_

_From the day I was born, they've haunted my every move_

_Every open hand's there to push and shove_

_No time for love_

_(it doesn't matter)_

Everything shattered. Past? Present? Was it worse remembering the good things (he had a family, he—), The bad things (Sergeant Barnes), or the way he’d slip between without warning, or wind up in the middle of a sidewalk somewhere, with no clue how he got there.

_She made a difference_

_I guess she had a way_

_Of making every night seem bright as day_

_Now I walk in shadows, never see the light_

_She must have lied 'cause she never said goodbye_

No, the worst part was remembering Steve. Stitching together the concept of “friend”. Realizing what he (did? almost did? who the fuck knows?) Realizing that Steve was probably dead. Even if he wasn’t, the Asset (James Buchanan Barnes) was never going to see him again.

_I don't believe in love_

_I never have, I never will_

_I don't believe in love_

_I'll just pretend she never was real_

_I don't believe in love_

_I need to forget her face, I see it still_

_I don't believe in love_

_It's never worth the pain that you feel_

Oh, god, it would be so much easier to forget, to go back (like he was supposed to do) to pretend this horrible break never happened ’til they made it so it hadn’t. (Except he wasn’t sure they would. He had never failed before, he had no idea what would happen)

_No chance for contact_

_There's no raison d'etre_

_My only hope is one day I'll forget_

_The pain of knowing what can never be_

_With or without love it's all the same to me_

He was going to run, just fucking disappear. Hope that forgetting could be mastered without the lightning. Then Steve found him (or he found Steve, it’s all. . . .fucked).

_I don't believe in love_

_I never have, I never will_

_I don't believe in love_

_I'll just pretend she never was real_

_I don't believe in love_

_I need to forget her face, I see it still_

_I don't believe in love_

_It's never worth the pain that you feel_

And he was drawn into Steve’s orbit again. No matter how many times he decided to run, he ran into Steve. And it was a coin flip as to which (Asset, Bucky, Barnes) persona was gonna take the wheel. It was a bloody, fucked up, mess.

_Just let it go, just let me fucking go, you stubborn piece of shit. Haven’t we done each other enough damage?_

Then S.H.E.I.L.D. got involved, and there was another slice of hell that at least gave him some perspective. (they were always going to find you)

(stop fighting what you are)

And they did manage to clear out his head enough, so that when he saw Steve again. . . .

Well, maybe the pain is worth it after all. . . .

* * *

“What the fuck was that?” Bucky barely made it over to a bench before he collapsed and J.A.R.V.I.S. cut the music.

“I’m sorry I didn’t anticipate your averse reaction to the last selection—“

Bucky waves J.A.R.V.I.S. down “What. Was. It?”

“Queensryche’s ‘I Don’t Believe In Love’, off of their Operation: Mindcrime album.” J.A.R.V.I.S. says reluctantly.

Bucky flinches, _Horrible fucking title_ , “Information, I need it. Please.”

J.A.R.V.I.S. hesitates a moment, but in the end he give Bucky what he needs.

Operation: Mindcrime is a “concept” album, which means it’s arranged to tell a story.

It’s Bucky’s story. Kind of a funhouse version, but—fuck.

He looks to see if any of the members of the band have HYDRA affiliations. He doesn’t find any.

Besides, the album dropped in 1988, most of the similar events hadn’t happened to Bucky until years after.

“J.A.R.V.I.S., have any of these people been evaluated for precognitive abilities?” Bucky asks.

“Current science indicates that precognition is extremely unlikely.” J.A.R.V.I.S. says.

“That’s. . . .not as comforting as you think it is.” Bucky says, trying to decide if he was crazy enough to actually listen to the rest of the album.


End file.
